Déchirée, Paralysée

Wavering back and forth between so many emotions these days, I just don't even know how to begin to express what's going on in my head and my heart. I've tried to reserve this space here more for sharing events or activities in my life, or from to time some reflections of my own on said events... But these days, for some inexplicable reason, I can't seem to get it out there, put it down, understand why my insides are so jumbled and why I find myself an emotional yo-yo on a daily basis.

And I can't even concretely put any words to it all... That's why I guess I've been so absent in recent times. Not sure as to whether I should share what's going on inside of me, so frightened of coming across as ungrateful, obscure and neurotic. Although I guess that last word is pretty apt in my case. I wish I could express my feelings more eloquently, really hit the nail on the head with the right tournures, like some bloggers manage to do with such aplomb. But, unfortunately, I guess that's not my strength.

Last week I tried to chalk up all this emotional confusion and chaos to hormones, to the ups and downs of my monthly cycles, but I know that's not my only problem. I need some objective give-and-take, some exchange with someone outside of my own sphere of influence and some input as to how to go forward without spoiling the good things I really have going on, which really are there; I'm just having a hard time seeing them. I spend my time constantly trying to relativiser, putting things in perspective and telling myself that I am blessed and lucky in so many ways, but it's just not enough... I need some goals, something focused and clear to aim towards in the coming months. I need to reassess.

It's funny, because last Friday I had one of my euphoric moments, just after lunch, some retail therapy, some nice finds that momentarily cheered me up and brought me out of my funk. I even came back to my desk at work and thought, "You know what? I'm going to stop focusing on the negative, really see only the positive, look forward with a strong outlook, a great perspective. I'm going to stop being so pessimistic, so torn and paralyzed by fears."

But this didn't last very long. I'm not sure why. I even thought about how I was going to apply this positive outlook to my blog, share more of the good things going on in my life, and my reactions to other blogs I enjoy. And I still have that floating around in my mind now, but for some reason the need or desire has (temporarily, I hope) drifted away.

And so I find myself plagued by these erratic emotions, and I know a lot of it has to do with my feeling of stagnancy in my current situation, which I try not to dwell on here, or even to describe in any concrete manner. We all need goals, I guess, and although one of mine includes having a family, I think I'm also lacking a fulfilling goal in the here and now -- something I always had to guide me while I was a student. Perhaps that's why I've always jokingly said I was a better student than I am an adult in the real world, particularly professionally speaking.

It's on the days that I'm busiest, of course, that I don't have time to reflect too much on the negative, that I see things in a brighter light. When I can throw myself into cooking, and find that it fulfills me or gives me a sense of accomplishment, then I am okay, for a bit... Other days I escape into books or movies, music, and these distract me from the matters at hand, namely whether I will ever have a true focus in life, an actual career. I've always hated that question, when you first meet someone, as to what you actually do "for a living", rather than who you are. I hate that we must be defined by how we spend our times in an office all day long, or in the case of those who work from home, what we do with our time in front of a computer. I've always hated that people don't want to know more about what makes us who we are, what makes us tick, our background and upbringing, our interests, passions, preoccupations... This is something that has followed me, haunted me, for years. When meeting someone new, if his/her first question is what I do for a living, this turns me off, and I'm sorry to say that I will often write this person off, not dig any further myself, because it's a bad sign as to what that person really wants to know or wants to share about life in general. I'd much rather be asked about my loves, my passions, how I spend my time...

And maybe this is because, inherently, I lack that all-important focus. Yet I have so many interests -- that's probably my biggest problem! So many interests, no single, solid strength to carry them all into a worthwhile profession. Or none that seems clear to me at the moment (or has seemed clear in quite some time). I've considered teaching English over the years, I even tried it for a time. Not for me. (In fact, given my love for French, I'd probably be a much better French teacher. But try teaching French in France as a foreigner... The eternal catch-22...) I've worked in various different sectors, with varying professionals, and I don't think the corporate world is for me either. Private sector, public sector... UGH. In fact, I'm probably an artist at heart, lost at sea, trying to find a way to put my actual passions to work for me constructively. But I've never found that specific path, and part of my problem is perhaps that I haven't looked for it hard enough. All I've ever known, for years and years, is that I love French -- the language, the culture, the civilization... And I know I'm not alone in this; it's perfectly unoriginal. And whereas many of my friends and peers, both in my personal sphere and in the blogging world, came to France to be with the one they love, following them in the building of a life here, I came here, first and foremost, because this was where I wanted to live. It was my dream, in fact, to live and love in France. And I did find some love along the way; in fact, I've probably been most distracted and diverted by my love affairs over the years more than anything else. They have, in their own way, kept me from finding that particular vision, that sparkle, that single element that would help to define me as a unique individual, a person in my own right. Because I've felt that I've had so much love to give, and I've ached for so much love in return.

I know I love children, I love children's literature, I love many forms of art and music, particularly all those attached to France and French culture. But I've never found the perfect "professional" outlet for these interests. And the one time that I may have been close to finding that outlet, the circumstances were miserable (keeping me awake at night, giving me nightmares) and not motivating enough to keep me there. So now I float adrift, mucking my way through my days, métro-boulot-dodo, praying that this won't last forever, but not knowing whether to change directions, to start over again, to continue to plug away and hope for a change brought about by fate, or to turn things upside down and take new risks with regard to my current situation... and outlook. And not even knowing how to do that. Asking myself so many questions. I seem incapable of just living in the moment. Preoccupied by the possibilities and options, but not being able to act on them.

Torn, paralyzed.