Thursday, April 5, 2007

Upside Down

I have a lot of really complicated things going on in my life right now that I don't yet feel comfortable enough talking about here, because to be honest I don't even know where to begin to explain them or how to put words to my feelings, or to my current state of being for that matter. Some days I feel like I'm walking through some sort of fuzzy, unreal space, or as if someone has pushed the pause button on my life and I'm observing it through a strange, surreal looking-glass. So many other things seem so petty and insignificant to me right now, and yet at the same time I'm having a hard time forgetting about stupid little "details" like this g-damn nagging cold/sinus infection/allergies/bronchitis that I've had going on for nearly 3 weeks. I feel like it's (whatever it is, which is totally unclear) been going on forever, and that it will never stop, and no medicine appears to be helping. I'm seriously ready to pull my hair out, to scream, to break something...

And of course, whatever it is I'm suffering from is truly the least of my worries and I know that it, too, shall pass, as it must at some point or another. But I'm one hell of an impatient woman, and I would give anything just to feel normal again. Then again, from what I've been told by those who know me best, apparently I'm never quite "just right"or normal, no matter how much of a facade I use -- there always seems to be something wrong in one way or another. I've never been capable of disguising my feelings -- I'm an open book. So when something really does go wrong, when something really tough happens, I feel ridiculously stupid and égoïste to have spent so much time focusing on my tiny, insignificant preoccupations.

Of course, you never do think something serious will happen to you or your loved ones until it actually does, and then you're left with your mouth hanging to the floor, just completely dumbstruck and at a loss as to how to begin to put the pieces back together. You are struck unawares, blindsided, and somehow stunned back into reality.

As a result, I'm realizing that this has probably been one of the strangest, most difficult, most surreal times of my life, and in so many ways I don't even know which end is up, as my mother used to say so often when I was a little girl. But I am now trying to put some good advice from others around me into action and think more positively, to see what this tough experience will bring us, to my boy and me both, in a good way going forward. How we can take this painful time and transform it into a renaissance, a new beginning in so many ways, and maybe even a new life somehow. Because I need to believe that we are never given too much to bear -- that no matter how difficult things are, we are resilient enough to come through this and to see wonderful things on the other side. If I imagine us happy and even stronger as a result of this adversity, then I'm sure it will happen. It must. Because I really believe in us, no matter what.

14 comments:

Misplaced said...

"This too shall pass" is a line I quote a lot when things get funky and it is absolutely true.

Keep your chin up. btw I enjoy your blog

Danielle said...

I'm sorry to hear that things are a little crazy for you right now. Life has a strange way of blindsiding us at times and causing everything in our existince to feel "upside down". But keep your chin up and remember this- life also has a funny way of working itself out...

Best of luck and may you find the strength that you need to get you through this difficult time.

jchevais said...

There was a movie that C. Slater did (that I cannot, for the life of me, remember what the name was) that had a very memorable line: "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."

Turmoil engenders change and change is not a bad thing per se, though the turmoil that works as a catalyst can be devastating.

You and the boy will come through this. You'll think about where things stand and you'll realise what things need to be changed (or not) and how to get there.

In the meantime, call me. Let's go get wasted.

Samantha said...

I agree - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

little fugitive said...

Ooh, I was so upset to read your post! Isn't it odd, I feel like I know you, just from looking at your blog, and feel concern for you, because you always seem so honest and sincere. So please take care of yourself, and maybe even treat yourself to something (flowers...chocolates? a new book?) Amy

PS it was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans," in the song Beautiful Boy.

scribbit said...

I'm sorry things are tough. I sure hope it gets easier and better for you, that you find the answers you need to help you.

LeeAnn said...

Ah... yes. Well, in moments like these you also get to discover yourself all over again. Who the real you is when stripped of all the ease and comfort of emotional security. It can be terrifying, of course, but fortifying as well.

You'll pull through - I agree that people are rarely given more than they can handle. Or, for another quote (by André 3000 of Outkast of the "Stankonia" album): "If the dealer deals a f*cked up hand of cards, you've gotta play 'em."

Also, as for your sinus stuff, it's probably allergies. I have them too, as does someone else I know. They came early this year, it was on the news. Are you snotting clear when you blow your nose? If so, it's allergies. I'm not snotting, I just can't breathe.

Anonymous said...

An American friend a few years back told me, when I was going through a rough patch: "if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it."
Delphine

The Late Bloomer said...

Thank you all for your kind words. I know I've been MIA here for some time now, and I hope to get back on the blogging track soon. I actually had a few ideas for posts, but they got temporarily put on the backburner due to recent events. But I'm doing my best to believe that the tough patch WILL pass and that God, and all good things, will bring me through this.

I've been on an antibiotic for nearly a week now, and *knock on wood*, I'm hoping that I'm also on the track to better health. Taking a regular daily allergy medicine too. I enjoyed the sun this past weekend, although I'm afraid to think that it might last... Apparently a chill is supposed to come back through Paris in the next day or so. I actually spent most of my Saturday doing spring cleaning anyway! The nicer weather motivated me.

Jenn, I remember that C. Slater quote, and yet I can't remember the movie either -- but I know I liked it! I'll have to check on IMDB... Hope we can get together for a drink later this week.

Lee Ann, thanks for the allergy tips -- yeah, it was clear stuff for the most part, but when I started coughing up *ahem* other colors in the morning (sorry 'bout that!) I knew something else was going on... So that's when I broke down and finally saw a doctor. I think allergies have complicated things even more for me and made me more susceptible to infections for some reason...

And Amy (Little Fugitive), I did treat myself to something new on Friday evening... It was completely unreasonable and bad timing, but I broke down and got myself a nice new silver bracelet from Clio Blue, one of my favorite little jewelers here. It's fairly classic, easy to wear and just very, very shiny. It makes me smile! (But it was also very naughty. I totally didn't need it -- oh well!)

Linda said...

I think it is allergies too-and it might be a reaction to that mold problem you mentioned some time back. I take Claratin and, during the bad Spring allergy season, I add a cortison nosespray like Nasalcrom. It works for me. Have to take the Claratin every day, all of the time, or I'm suffering. Hope things improve for you in other areas. I know when you don't feel well, things can look worse than they are.

Chloe said...

i've had a very bad 5 or 6 months and it is only now, the last 2 or 3 weeks that i have started feeling normal again.
Be kind to yourself, that's the only advice i can give you.
Oh, i found you through Danielle.
Take care. :)

Poppy Fields said...

I am sorry that you are going through hard times, but remember, this too shall pass. I am a true believer of surviving the hard makes us better in so many ways. Bon courage, and if you ever need to "talk", send an e-mail :)

Emily said...

Even though we've never met in person, I wish I could give you a hug or at least be someone for you to talk to, so I'm sending a hug through my comment. :)

The Late Bloomer said...

Thanks again, gals -- it really does feel good to know that there are others out there who can relate to what you're feeling, and also that are sending good thoughts. It makes a difference, and sharing these reflections here definitely helps me to be more positive and to put things in perspective.

I'm starting to feel much better now, although with the weather constantly changing, I know I'll probably be fragile for a while -- I regret not having a scarf around my neck while out last night as a matter of fact! You'd think I would have learned my lesson by now...

Linda, Chloe, Meredith, and Emily -- thank you also for your thoughts. Somehow I feel like I'm gradually getting to know each of you as well through your blogs, and it's always great to "meet" someone new!