I have a lot of really complicated things going on in my life right now that I don't yet feel comfortable enough talking about here, because to be honest I don't even know where to begin to explain them or how to put words to my feelings, or to my current state of being for that matter. Some days I feel like I'm walking through some sort of fuzzy, unreal space, or as if someone has pushed the pause button on my life and I'm observing it through a strange, surreal looking-glass. So many other things seem so petty and insignificant to me right now, and yet at the same time I'm having a hard time forgetting about stupid little "details" like this g-damn nagging cold/sinus infection/allergies/bronchitis that I've had going on for nearly 3 weeks. I feel like it's (whatever it is, which is totally unclear) been going on forever, and that it will never stop, and no medicine appears to be helping. I'm seriously ready to pull my hair out, to scream, to break something...
And of course, whatever it is I'm suffering from is truly the least of my worries and I know that it, too, shall pass, as it must at some point or another. But I'm one hell of an impatient woman, and I would give anything just to feel normal again. Then again, from what I've been told by those who know me best, apparently I'm never quite "just right"or normal, no matter how much of a facade I use -- there always seems to be something wrong in one way or another. I've never been capable of disguising my feelings -- I'm an open book. So when something really does go wrong, when something really tough happens, I feel ridiculously stupid and égoïste to have spent so much time focusing on my tiny, insignificant preoccupations.
Of course, you never do think something serious will happen to you or your loved ones until it actually does, and then you're left with your mouth hanging to the floor, just completely dumbstruck and at a loss as to how to begin to put the pieces back together. You are struck unawares, blindsided, and somehow stunned back into reality.
As a result, I'm realizing that this has probably been one of the strangest, most difficult, most surreal times of my life, and in so many ways I don't even know which end is up, as my mother used to say so often when I was a little girl. But I am now trying to put some good advice from others around me into action and think more positively, to see what this tough experience will bring us, to my boy and me both, in a good way going forward. How we can take this painful time and transform it into a renaissance, a new beginning in so many ways, and maybe even a new life somehow. Because I need to believe that we are never given too much to bear -- that no matter how difficult things are, we are resilient enough to come through this and to see wonderful things on the other side. If I imagine us happy and even stronger as a result of this adversity, then I'm sure it will happen. It must. Because I really believe in us, no matter what.