Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Wrong

I don't know how to write about this. I don't know whether I should.

I hate feeling this way. I hate myself for feeling this way. Why am I afraid of so many things? Of everything somehow? It doesn't get me anywhere.

Nothing seems to be going right anymore; everything seems to be going wrong. And yet I know viscerally, deep inside of myself, that it's not that bad -- it can't be. I'm trying so hard to keep my head up, to be strong, to be positive. To think about the things that are right and good in my life -- there are many of them. Of course there are. I have been very blessed.

But then I plunge back down again. Je vois la vie en noir en ce moment.

And I don't know where to begin to make things right. I know I'm being completely obscure here, but it's so difficult to put this all into words.

My eyes have been bothering me, but I can't seem to get an appointment to see an opthalmologist. I desperately need a haircut, if for no other reason than to boost my morale. I can't stand my hair right now, or pretty much anything else for that matter...

We need to move out of this apartment, but I don't know where to begin to look. I'm so overwhelmed. Do we stay in our area? Do we move back into Paris, cut back on a few mètres carrés and hope for something better?

We'd like to go away next week, get away from everything, take a break and refresh ourselves so we're ready to make a new start when we get back. But we don't even know where to go! We've been throwing around ideas for a few days now, and I thought we had settled on Spain, either Barcelona or Andalousia, but STILL we hesitate... And time is ticking away -- soon enough we won't even be able to get any decent prices if we don't make a move.

I'm usually an indecisive person; that's definitely in my nature. But this is just ridiculous! I'm driving myself crazy. It's like I'm trying to take on too many choices at once, and as a result I'm left cornered, immobile, paralyzed...

I've got to get out of this funk. Somehow. And sooner rather than later.

10 comments:

PutYourFlareOn said...

oh, I've lived this knd of confusion... it's terrible. Want to get your hair cut? I'll meet you in Paris and take you to my hair salon, my guy there is great and you'll walk out with a fab haircut and feel a little better. Might put you on the right track to feeling right. Email me if you want...

The Late Bloomer said...

Thanks so much, Flare. I might take you up on that, although honestly I have been using this one hairdresser for a while who I like, and I like what he does for me, but he's unfortunately terrible expensive... So I always wonder whether I should go back again, but then I'm never able to find anyone new. And then I wonder if I'll feel guilty by going to see someone new in the first place and... and... and the list goes on!

But, um, yeah. I'll e-mail you. I'd like that.

little fugitive said...

I know exactly the feeling - it seems to be the time of year for it! I wanted to say hang in there (a terribly banal sentiment but...) I'm trying to settle into life in France with my boyfriend but being a usually sociable person am finding it all a little lonely sometimes - reading your blog has been enjoyable, just wanted to let you know.

Jennifer said...

I'm kinda in a funk myself - it's not too terribly bad, but it stinks all the same! Living in this little teeny isolated village here in France is proving to be a huge shock to my system. I've always been a type-A, work-oriented, on-the-go person and since moving here, I find that I'm... well, under-stimulated and isolated and it's so hard to adjust to. But it can't last forever...

Maybe we can swap some ideas! Or "paint the town" red some day! I am in desperate need of a girls night (or day) out!

ColourMeCrazy said...

I'm not big on making decisions either and end up stressing out when I have too many to make.
Either way, I'd probably start with the holiday (that's important!), and everything else can wait!

Wendz said...

Aaah bless you - it's a crappy place to be, I know, but it will pass...nothing is static in life, you just have to ride it out.

Tackle the big issues first and leave the rest until you feel better - none of it sounds life and death and looks like it can wait.

Yeah go and find some sunshine...these last few weeks of winter seem endless and it does get depressing.

scribbit said...

Yes, a new haircut and maybe some additions to your spring wardrobe might help. More sunshine would definitely help me.

Paris has got to be a good place to find a killer haircut. Probably expensive but terribly fashionable I'm sure.

The Late Bloomer said...

Little Fugitive, thanks for your kind words! I know it definitely isn't easy being an expat, far from home, for any of us. But that's why it is nice to spend time with fellow expats and anglophones from time to time, if possible! I'm always up for getting together with gal friends, and I honestly don't seem to have as many opportunities these days... I used to work in a French-English bookshop where I met and spent time with lots of other expats, and I do miss that sometimes.

How long have you been living here? I'll be sure to check out your blog too...

And Jennifer, I imagine being a bit farther out makes things harder; if you do travel into Paris, please drop me a line! I'd love to meet and have a few drinks. I have passed through Rouen a few times in the past, but it's been a while -- I'd be willing to take a train too! I definitely don't get enough "girls' nights out" either.

Colourmecrazy and Wendz -- thanks for the support! It's just nice to know that y'all are out there.

Update on the holiday: we did book the plane tickets last night, so here's hoping the rest all falls into place. We'll be heading to Andalousie, south of Spain, for just under a week... Hoping it will also be the breath of fresh air that we both need. Cross your fingers that the weather cooperates down there! I know it's still early in the season, but with some luck there may be some sun.

Oh, and Scribbit, maybe I just might be able to squeeze in the haircut before we leave next Wednesday...!

jchevais said...

I'd say tackle small things (small successes) before hitting any big stuff. But you've got your tickets and are good to go for a little depaysement and pour changer des idées... Can you fit a facial in before leaving?...

You've made a decision on the apartment... Now all it takes is hitting a few agencies... That first step is always the killer and takes the most courage though. argh.

However, it seems to me that if you are renting and if the price of rentals is the same in Paris as it is in your boony, they you might as well rent in Paris... I'm all about cutting out transport time ;-)...

I'm out of town at the moment otherwise I would haul your butt out for a drinky-poo... and it looks like you'll be away when I get back so we've got to set a date for the second week of March. Gosh this year is passing quickly already... Insane.

Although if Flare is willing to share her guy, I'd like his number. I got my hair cut a couple of weeks ago and I'm still not reconciled with my tête. I have got to find someone that knows how to cut curly hair. This salon hopping is driving me mad!

Chin up gal. It's always darkest before the dawn. You'll pull through this. A cliché but they always seem to be right.

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