Wrong

I don't know how to write about this. I don't know whether I should.

I hate feeling this way. I hate myself for feeling this way. Why am I afraid of so many things? Of everything somehow? It doesn't get me anywhere.

Nothing seems to be going right anymore; everything seems to be going wrong. And yet I know viscerally, deep inside of myself, that it's not that bad -- it can't be. I'm trying so hard to keep my head up, to be strong, to be positive. To think about the things that are right and good in my life -- there are many of them. Of course there are. I have been very blessed.

But then I plunge back down again. Je vois la vie en noir en ce moment.

And I don't know where to begin to make things right. I know I'm being completely obscure here, but it's so difficult to put this all into words.

My eyes have been bothering me, but I can't seem to get an appointment to see an opthalmologist. I desperately need a haircut, if for no other reason than to boost my morale. I can't stand my hair right now, or pretty much anything else for that matter...

We need to move out of this apartment, but I don't know where to begin to look. I'm so overwhelmed. Do we stay in our area? Do we move back into Paris, cut back on a few mètres carrés and hope for something better?

We'd like to go away next week, get away from everything, take a break and refresh ourselves so we're ready to make a new start when we get back. But we don't even know where to go! We've been throwing around ideas for a few days now, and I thought we had settled on Spain, either Barcelona or Andalousia, but STILL we hesitate... And time is ticking away -- soon enough we won't even be able to get any decent prices if we don't make a move.

I'm usually an indecisive person; that's definitely in my nature. But this is just ridiculous! I'm driving myself crazy. It's like I'm trying to take on too many choices at once, and as a result I'm left cornered, immobile, paralyzed...

I've got to get out of this funk. Somehow. And sooner rather than later.